Thinking Lately...

Written Tuesday, December 9, 2008 1:30 a.m.:

It's been raining steadily for hours.

The lawn outside my apartment is flooded.

I might put on some old clothes and galoshes and jump in the puddles.

My cat is mad at me because I locked him inside.

He was trying to eat a worm that slithered into my screened-in porch to find dry ground.

I batted him away from the worm, but he was quite adamant on grabbing the worm in his mouth and sneaking it back inside.

My house is dirty enough without having my cat harboring fugitive animals into it.

Mom's visiting tomorrow, so I'm working on keeping my house spotless.

It's not even cold outside, but I can see my breath as I exhale.

And my cigarette smoke hangs in the air,

Not wanting to flow out into the cold, hard rain.

I have to learn to fully extinguish my cigarettes to avoid my beautifully painted ashtray from busting.

My dad gave me that ashtray this past summer.

It's ironic that my dad and I have bonded more this past year.

I think it's only because we take many smoke breaks together when I'm home.

Not to say that my dad and I weren't close before...

I'm a daddy's girl and always have been.

I'm exactly like my dad, so we've never had to force a bond between us.

There are understood words and actions that accompany spending time with my dad.

Mom and I are very close, but I've always felt I need to explain myself to her,

Even though my whole life she's been able to read me like a book.

It's raining even harder now and the rain is making spectacular designs on the porch screen.

Some neighbors across the lawn have decided to enjoy the unseasonably warm rain shower also.

I feel like my privacy has been invaded.

Time to finish cleaning.

Friday, December 12, 2008 12:11 a.m.

My last journal entry the weather was warm with a cold rain. Now there's a shivering blanket of snow covering Murfreesboro. I don't think I've seen it snow so hard in four years. I remember it; my freshman year of college my mom, sister, and my best friend Austin were visiting for the weekend and it snowed a foot.

I'm sitting at a Border's bookstore in north Atlanta. I'm assuming that they keep raw meat around here somewhere because I'm getting frost bite on my fingers trying to type. Border's has a lot of books; a lot more than Barnes & Noble or Books-A-Million. I just say that because they have more Hunter S. Thompson books than just Hey Rube and Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. They're so expensive though. I don't particularly want to pay $17 for a Thompson book that I could find at a random mom & pop store for $3.

There are two African American construction workers across the street sitting in lawn chairs with beer. One watches every car pass by. The other just slurps at his beer and rests his head back trying to relax in the hot morning sun.

Atlanta is much more beautiful than Nashville - especially at night. The building's lights have more personality and uniqueness to them.

One of the construction workers gets up, moves a 2x4 behind his chair and yells to someone across the street. They wave and go about their owns lives again.

I'm seriously thinking someone that works here is from Alaska and they only turn up the A/C so high to make them feel more at home.

Everyone is on their laptops. Paying six bucks an hour to access that little thing Al Gore likes to call his internet.

I bought a journal. A book journal. I write down what books I want to read and cross them off as I go. I'll be able to put most of the books in my bookshelf down, with the exception of most of my Bukowski books and Chuck Klosterman novels.

Good ol' Charles Bukowski. He was a hard working man when he wanted to be. Other times he was just a misogynistic drunk. But sometimes good poetry comes in the strangest places.

Maybe a construction worker has written a book of poetry.

I should look that up.

Arena rock band's new album hits stores!

This, my friends, is the year of the comebacks. So, we thought Van Halen was going to get back together... I was almost as disappointed as Sammy Hagar... But let's see - The Police are reunited. If you've seen the annual VH1 Rock Honors concert you saw great performance by Heart, a reuniting performance by Genesis, a home-cooked Southern performance by ZZTop, and a "crazy" show by Ozzy Osbourne. The time has come when we finally get to experience an comeback album from none other than the arena rock band REO Speedwagon.







REO Speedwagon's new album, "Find Your Own Way Home," is the newest batch of new songs since REO`s 1996 release 'Building the Bridge.'
Any REO fan, young or young at heart, will enjoy this album that definitely brings back that urge to break out the lighter and clap your hands.
The first track on the album, "Smilin' In The End," will definitely have you nodding your head, singing along, reminding you of hits such as "Keep Pushin'" and "Ridin' the Storm Out." Who can forget REO's trademark power ballads? Don't worry. "I Needed To Fall" is just the song you're looking for.

REO's tour begins June 2 in Roeselare, Belgium and hits the U.S. on June 14 in Stockton, CA. To find a show near you or to purchase the new album head on over to REO Speedwagon's official website

LDM

Untitled

I haven't eaten
Music and words begin
To affect my life
In ways I strive
To hide from
The words and notes
Surround my head
Turning in circles
Making me dizzy
Falling to the ground
Remembering nothing
Realizing I must start all over
I wipe the tears away
And press on.

Weekend of realization

I realize it shouldn't have been a hard decision for me whether to come home for Easter or stay in Murfreesboro. True, if I had stayed in Murfreesboro I would've been with a couple of friends and my boyfriend. However, I didn't realize how much I needed to take a good look in the mirror and see how much my family means to me.
I went to the Saturday night Easter service at First Christian Church of Johnson City, the church I am part of, last night. I had never felt so alone despite the hundreds of people around me in the sanctuary. I've been in college for almost two years now, and I just now realized that church used to be a routine for me. I knew that I would get up on Sunday mornings and go to the 11 o'clock service with my family. It was a given, and I never appreciated it. I never appreciated the freedom that I have to worship my God, that not surprisingly, I have drifted far away from this year.
My church has been doing a lot of construction over the past few years to make our church larger and so much more beautiful than anyone could imagine. I looked around last night at the changes and realized that I grew up in that church, and I've changed a lot too. I looked around during the service and saw children that had grow up so much since I had left for college two years prior. It was amazing to see all the changes.
I know one of the reasons that I'm still unhappy despite the medications I'm on: I've gone astray from the road I loved and cherished. That road is the path God laid out for me. I haven't stopped loving Him, but I've gone so far away from that path that it feels awkward to pray silently by myself.
I'm leading myself back to that path that I loved and worshiped in the name of Christ. I need it.

Words

Words

Not but shapes bound together

Attached like a .riff

.of

.notes

.l.i.n.k.e.d

by one musical harmony

Music is my boyfriend.

Dating has been a huge issue in the lives of a lot of people I know lately, including me. Being so close to Valentine's Day, of course it's an issue. It's a time of the year when couples can be as mushy as they want and they can have an extremely good reason to spend lots of money on their significant other. It's also a time of the year where the singles walk around saying, "Bah. This holiday was created by candy companies and gift shops."

I had a conversation today about the concept of dating. I told my friend I had found a funny quote in a book I was reading that practically defined how I felt right now. That quote was from Brett Milano's book titled Vinyl Junkies: Adventures in Record Collecting. The quote is from Roger Manning, NYC singer-songwriter: "Who collects records? Mostly people that don't have a dating life."

Now, I definitely wouldn't call myself a hardcore record collector - seeing as how I don't have the money or transportation to acquire these records at the moment. However, I do like to think that I have a pretty good record collection so far (19-years-old, common). I definitely don't have any obscure psychedelic records that would put me under the "nerd" category. Let's see... I have some AC/DC, Aerosmith, Boston, Beatles, Chicago, David Bowie, Def Leppard, Eagles, Elton John, Glenn Frey, Genesis, Sammy Hagar, Don Henley, plenty of Journey, Judas Priest, Molly Hatchet, Steve Perry, the Police, Ratt, REO Speedwagon, Rolling Stones, Steely Dan, Rod Stewart, Styx, Van Halen, and Whitesnake. So you can make your own assumptions about that collection of just 44 records.

But back to dating. I told my friend Manning's quote, and he proceeded to ask me whether my lack of dating life was by choice or not. I hadn't really thought about this question up until this point. I replied saying I definitely wasn't against dating; however, I hadn't been seeking out anything really. He told me, in so many words, that I should date around if I wanted to. If I was attracted to someone, then I should go for it. However, I don't think this is how I want to go about it. Instead of dating around and whatnot, I would rather get to know someone as a friend and then proceed to either have a relationship with that person to see where it goes or simply be friends (or not, if I've really pissed someone off, or vice versa).

I told my friend that I would definitely want to date someone that could put up with my useless music trivia and always bringing up what's going on in the music business, and getting that person's opinion (of course, I don't have a one track, useless mind. This wouldn't be the only thing that I talk about with this potential relationship...so...if I turned you off with that last sentence then come back. Keep reading. Oh, and call me sometime *wink*).

Then, the conversation began to take a turn that I figured I wouldn't agree with. My friend started saying how if I wanted something, I should get it, and if I wanted to do something, then I should do it. So, I asked him, "What about obligations and responsibility?" He replied with an example, using the class we were in. He said that even if I said I didn't want to be in the class, that I was there, so I obviously did, since it furthers me in my education and gets me that much closer to my desired degree. I agree with that. However, he said that he didn't like when people used the term 'selfish' in a negative way. Well, I have been brought up to understand that selfishness is not something that I want to surround myself with. He said that being selfish is the best thing someone can do for themselves, and that worrying about yourself and caring about your needs should be above everything else.

Now, I'm not sure if I took this the way I should have, but I immediately disagree, because I definitely have family and friends that I will always put before myself. My status as a daughter, sister, friend, etc., is much more important than my status as a student.

So, what does this have to do with dating? Everything. I don't want to date around just to date around because it's fun and enjoyable and I get to meet people that I like and/or could be attracted to. If I'm going to go on a date I want to know that person prior, whether it is from a job, a class, etc. Then I want to pursue a potential relationship with this person if it's right. From there I want to know the qualities of this person inside and out. After all, we are in college, and don't most people meet their life partner in these years? I'm not saying that I want to get married anytime soon. That's definitely not the case. But it is in the future. I want it to be in my future. So, that's what I'm looking for.

What does this have to do with music? Everything. Music is my passion. I want to share that passion with the people I love and the people I care about.

Perhaps this Valentine's Day if you're single, like me, maybe you can just go to a great concert, sit around and listen to some good music. Just do something you love with the people you love. Love isn't just for couples. Just the same, if you're in a relationship, you don't necessarily have to spend a lot of money just because it's a holiday. Go sit at a coffee shop at a table for two, watch a live band, and remember the good times - past, present, and future.